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Technologically speaking, you’re also right on target. If a young person wants to access porn of any sort, they will be able to work around any safety net the parent has put in place. These safety nets are great to keep kids from accidentally stumbling on something they don’t have any interest in actively searching out – but as soon as they want it, they will be able to find it. This is true in any family, not just a tech savvy one.

Requiring transparency on the computers in the house is a great first step to help your daughter navigate the technological world – but even more important is building the kind of relationship where you can have open and frank conversations with her about anything she stumbles on or actively seeks out. To that end, your non-angry reaction to finding her browsing history was great!

The thing is, none of us really wants to talk with our parents about our sexual or pornographic interests, and that particularly includes 12 year olds. In order to expand your daughter’s understanding of the topic, I would recommend you buy her a copy of Heather Corinna’s book S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College. (I think this book is a little young for college, and I’ve used it in my middle school sex ed classes. Of course take a look at it to make sure it’s a good fit for your daughter. If she is surfing porn at that level, I think it’s probably right on.) And then find her a great sex ed class. Many Unitarian Universalist churches teach a very comprehensive, highly acclaimed sex ed program. New York City is now requiring comprehensive sex ed, although I’m not sure what the quality will be, particularly as they’re getting started in the first few years. You can hire me to come and teach a weekend retreat class to her and her friends. Comprehensive sex ed can be hard to find, but it is well worth the time and the financial commitment.

Filed in Karen's Advice Column, adolescent development, adolescent sexuality, age, parenting, pornography - Tags: , , , - 1 Comments

What they need to know: Side effects of hormonal birth control

September 14th, 2011

I will periodically be writing posts about important aspects of healthy sex and sexuality that young people who are sexually active (or might be sexually active at some point in their lives - this means all of them!) should know.  Some of these may only be relevant to some young people, like this first one only applies to young women.

Hormonal birth control has a number of serious potential side effects.  Sometimes doctors or nurses talk with young women about these issues, and sometimes they don’t.  I can’t say why a health practitioner wouldn’t go over these details, but it is disappointing that they often don’t.

Here is a list of the side effects from one British website:

I want to highlight one of these issues in particular.  Tucked somewhere in the middle of that list (by which time your eyes may have already glazed over and you may have stopped paying attention) is: mood swings, anxiety, nervousness or depression.  These are not responses to medication that should be taken lightly, particularly by a young woman who is about to embark on the process of becoming sexually active.

There is conflicting evidence about how adolescent sexuality and depression relate, but there is some suggestion that these factors are related.  It seems that sexually active teenagers who are in mutually supportive, satisfying relationships do not suffer from increased rates of depression.  However, sexually active teenagers who are not in relationships may be much more likely to suffer from higher rates of depression.  If a young woman begins to be sexually active without the emotional protection of a relationship and also starts taking hormonal birth control at the same time, she may be at a substantially higher risk for depression and other psychological problems due to the increased correlates.  I might also be concerned that even for a young woman in a supportive relationship that the decision to start taking hormonal birth control at the same time as she is beginning to be sexually active in a new and more intense way may increase the hormonal balance in her body.

So what’s the solution?  Well, there are a few of them.  First, young women who would like to avail themselves of the option, should have access to hormonal birth control a year or two before they become sexually active.  This will give their bodies a chance to regain hormonal balance before sexual initiation.  Second, I think it is almost impossible to stress the effectiveness and utility of condoms.  Because they are the only effective means of preventing STI transmission, they should be made accessible to all young people, along with effective training on how to use them.  Condoms do not have the same potential hormonal problems that hormonal birth control does.

Basically, hormonal birth control needs to be treated with more respect and awe than it is.  Altering your body’s essential reproductive chemistry is a big deal, and it necessarily affects the whole body, not just the reproductive system.  To be clear: I am a huge - huge! - fan of hormonal birth control.  When it works well for a woman it allows a level of reproductive control that is just magnificent!  We just need to understand that this level of control usually comes at a cost, and sometimes that cost is just too high

Filed in What they need to know, birth control - 1 Comments

Returning to the world of blogging

September 13th, 2011

Those of you who are regular readers may have noticed that for the last year or so I’ve written only sporadically - until the last few weeks.  I’m trying to get myself back into a schedule of blogging three times a week.

As I was sitting her, pondering what to write about, I realized that I have tended not to blog because there are just so many, many things that I could, that I should write about.  Here is the short list of things I was considering writing about today: